MAHASISWA: an Indonesian word used to refer to college/university students. The word siswa, meaning ‘student’, completed by the prefix maha-, which refers to something great or grand. MAHASISWA: the agent of change, the guardian of values, the iron stock of the nation.

What’s will all the overglorification of MAHASISWA?

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We are indeed able to become an “agent of change” (for the better?),

but are we the only one?

We are (meant to be) educated and (meant to be) in a neutral stance towards ongoing politics,

but does that make all non-MAHASISWA uneducated and partial to a side?

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We do bear the responsibility to change this nation into a better place,

to become the “guardian of values” (if they existed to be able to be guarded, if we possess those values)

to be the future’s “iron stock” (if we don’t rust)

but don’t non-MAHASISWA have the same responsibility to better their nation?

Is this only MAHASISWA’s nation?

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We are not the Messiah

We are not the “chosen ones”

We are not the lucky few who will all be able to become leaders of the nation

We are simply MAHASISWA

We are MAHASISWA because we are registered

in the college, university, or similar educational institution we are in

not because we are anything else, and!

if we were to become this nation’s agent of change, guardian of values, agent of change,

it’s not necessarily because we are maha-siswa.

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*rant*

Play LOVED.

I GREATLY recommend trying out the game first before reading this entry, because it will be an immense spoiler, and it will almost certainly ruin the experience of your gameplay. Loved’s creator, Alexander Ocias, wanted to make something “confrontational”, which will “engage players to give thought to what they are doing– both in and out of game”. Then, please leave a comment here (in Indonesian or English, I don’t mind) because I’m interested in others’ interpretations of this.

warning: tl;dr

Starting from the creepy sound effect that accompanied the game, Loved left a bizarre and creepy impression on me right away. The game began with the cryptic, yet simple question: Are you a man or a woman?

No, you are a boy.

And the opposite if you answered “man”. I didn’t feel too strongly about this (but probably men would feel worse if they were called a ‘girl’? Any thoughts on this?), and arrived at the second question, which gave me no choice but to pick one of two options it provided. Throughout the games, similarly cryptic and mind-boggling questions were posed, and personally I feel that the answers, no matter which I chose, gave me a cold feeling.

Simply put, the Voice leads you through the game by asking those thought-provoking questions, and issuing commands throughout the game, which we can choose to obey or disobey, each with their own consequences.

I played this game several times, although I felt somewhat reluctant after my first try. I immediately went on the path of disobedience because, to be honest, I hated the Voice right from the first two questions. I answered that I was a woman, and it claimed that I was a boy. I didn’t ask for instruction, and it told me I wouldn’t be able to go without it. The moment it commanded me to jump over the barbs, I immediately jumped into those red blocks.

As the first time I received the command and disobeyed, I immediately got the message “Ugly creature.”, pinpointed at me right away in black text. I admit that I am a person who is generally obedient to figures that I’ve been taught to respect (parents, family, teachers, etc.) and I received a sharp pang in my chest for disobeying the Voice. Even though it’s just two words written in a plain, black text, I felt demeaned, I felt offended right to the very core, and I hated the Voice.

Touch the statue, and I will forgive you

This happened to be in-sync with my previous action, and I touched the statue, and I received, once again, two words:

Good boy.

This irked me, although not as bad as the “reward” for my first disobedience. I didn’t feel like I was being complimented for my obedience; I felt that I still wasn’t acknowledged as a woman, and I felt condescended for following its instruction. It was as if the Voice was assured that then my will belonged to it, and that it has absolute control above me. It didn’t help that being told “Good boy” made me feel like a pet; a mere pet which obeyed the instructions of its owner simply to be loved.

Then I pursued to disobey its commands; finally, I realised that the more disobedient I was, the more coloured blocks appeared, obstructing my view from certain important things (barbs and other dangerous things were disguised in red blocks, platforms, etc. were covered by distracting coloured blocks). It became too much for me when the red blocks chased me and I couldn’t find a platform to step on. I gave up.

That was this morning at around 3 AM; I was already in a pretty bad mood and had one of those “feeling worthless” moments, and Loved drew out an entirely different feeling. I have never been a person who fancied failure, and being told repeatedly that I was “Disgusting.” and an “Ugly creature.” didn’t do any good to my self-esteem. I slept it off.

Do I own your body, or your mind?

However, despite my reluctance I decided to try again, taking the path of obedience, although it annoyed me to do so because I hated the Voice already. I felt more and more mocked as it continuously told me “Good boy.”, but when it commanded “Do not fail“, I actually found that I didn’t want to disappoint the Voice. I didn’t want to fail the Voice nor myself, and I really did my best not to. This kind of elicited memories of similar feelings, which weren’t pleasant, by the way, and I had to pause before answering the next question.

We are going to meet soon.

… And I was frightened to meet it; even more when it told me “Then it will be more enjoyable“. By this moment I was ready to talk to myself and yell “What do you want from me? Why are you doing this to me?”

Why won’t you love me?

I loved you, always.

Even until the end, I never thought the Voice loved me. It feels more like it knows that I didn’t want to disappoint it, that I didn’t want to make it unhappy, and it exploited my love for it to make me obey its commands. Once again, I felt used, I felt like a pet, and I felt helpless. Upon pondering, I also felt powerless even when I tried to completely disobey, like in my first try. I felt that I’ve been forced into some sort of twisted world where only the dichotomy of obedience and disobedience existed. Whatever you do, you either obey or disobey.

Complete obedience made me feel dull and empty. It felt like I didn’t need to think to get through the game. The stairs became slopes that I didn’t even need to jump to get through, and the images became clearer as the graphics became more black-and-white. I could see the obstacles clearly enough to avoid them. And when it told me that it “loved me”, it rang hollow, and although I was immune to feelings of being condescended by this time, I still didn’t feel that the Voice really loved me. Although it finally admitted to my being a “woman”, I didn’t feel satisfied–I felt that there was no point if it didn’t “love” me.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy…

Forcing myself to completely disobey only made me a slave to my desire to disobeying the voice. I hated the sharp jab I felt when I disobeyed, but I despised the Voice even more, but I despised it thinking that it has power over me (even though I’m quite aware that this game is not a sentient being), even though disobeying required me doing things that would actually be bad for me in the gameplay. I felt like a person willing to greatly hurt herself only to get a little jab on my object of hatred, and it didn’t feel good. Ultimately, my mind still belonged to the Voice. I felt toyed with.

All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.

The best path for me was, eventually, to obey when the action commanded benefited me, and disobey when it did not; I merely did what I wished, not paying mind to what was commanded. Of course, some coloured blocks appeared, but because ultimately I obeyed more than I disobeyed, they didn’t obstruct the gameplay too much.

On my last try, I tried seeking an alternative action to taking the coin, leading me to the game’s end. Does anyone know of any alternatives? This actually made me feel somewhat frustrated as well, and I thought that having the ability to make a choice, even though it’s only between two options, is very important.

Actually, it feels kind of strange for me to be so into the game… It elicited really awkward feelings in a more obvious manner than my daily occurrences too, and even now, I still hate the Voice, yet yearn for its love. Haha… Maybe this shows just how much of an acceptance whore I am?

There are some interesting interpretations posted on this page, and I am surprised to find that some people actually found the Voice helpful and soothing, and didn’t feel demeaned by it. There were also views that took it to symbolise relationship between God and His subjects (I felt that rather than to God, it showed more of the effect of blind religious obedience without any regards to what God might actually mean by His commands through different contexts), abusive relationships, parent-child relationships, etc. Worth checking out, IMO

A man chooses, a slave obeys.

Any other thoughts?

(Btw, does anyone feel disturbed by the way that the creature kind of breaks into tiny pieces when it hits barbs and such? I feel like the more it became fragmented, the more my mind was “broken” into tiny pieces too, haha…)

Infinite Inficio: satu SKS itu 50 menit ya?

Felisia Kelara  : Yap +-

Infinite Inficio: kalau minimal ngambil 12… 50 x 12 = 600 jam per minggu?

Infinite Inficio: belum termasuk praktikum…

Infinite Inficio: sehari bilang aja kuliah 5 SKS…

Infinite Inficio: bisa dipadatin ke tiga hari…

Felisia Kelara  : Apa itu?

Infinite Inficio: memperkirakan kuliah…

Infinite Inficio: seandainya aku nanti ngambil dua, itu sebenarnya bisa atau nggak…

Infinite Inficio: kayaknya berat…

Infinite Inficio: TPB… 36 SKS…

Infinite Inficio: itu dibagi dua dong ya

Infinite Inficio: jadi 18 SKS

Infinite Inficio: tapi satu SKSnya berapa ya…

Infinite Inficio: itu minimalnya

Infinite Inficio: 18 x 50 = 900 jam per minggu…

Infinite Inficio: sehari kira-kira 5 SKS… sekitar empat hari

Infinite Inficio: haiyahh

Infinite Inficio: Elektro ga ada kelas malam sih…

Infinite Inficio: dijumlah aja kali ya… 1500 jam per minggu di kelas, secara teoretis harusnya sekitar 1500 jam juga belajar mandiri, dan 1500 jam lagi nugas

Infinite Inficio: astaga

Infinite Inficio: kok jam

Infinite Inficio: menit lah -__-

Infinite Inficio: kalau jam mah keterlaluan

Infinite Inficio: 75 jam seminggu, minimal, tersita untuk kuliah

Infinite Inficio: Senin sampai Sabtu cuma ada 161 jam… 168 lah kalau ngitung Minggu

Infinite Inficio: tiap hari tidur kurang lebih 7 jam, 49 jam…

Infinite Inficio: dikurangi waktu kuliah dan waktu tidur, nyisa 37 jam

Infinite Inficio: bagi 7, kurang lebih ada 5 jam per hari tersisa…

Infinite Inficio: anggap tersita 2 jam per hari di perjalanan (minimal), berarti 3 jam tersisa…

Felisia Kelara  : Hah?!

Felisia Kelara  : Ngitung apa lu teh man?

Felisia Kelara  : Stress siah mau kul sgitu lama shari

Felisia Kelara  : Nyante lah

Felisia Kelara  : Mau ngejer nile heeuh?

Felisia Kelara  : Ato ngejer ilmu?hahah

Tumben-tumbennya saya menuliskan hal yang berbau curhat dalam bahasa Indonesia, but here goes… Tentu, agar tidak ada yang merasa tersinggung, semua nama disensor dan TIDAK berdasarkan inisialnya. Mungkin yang satu jurusan dengan saya saja yang akan mampu menerka, haha…

Sebagaimana masyarakat pada umumnya, dosen juga terdiri atas individu-individu yang memiliki sifat dan karakteristik beragam… Bilang saja ada Dosen A yang lekturnya membuat mahasiswa berbondong-bondong mencari kursi paling depan, ada pula Dosen B yang lekturnya justru bisa membuat mahasiswa angguk-angguk hampir tertidur, atau Dosen C yang malah tidak didengarkan sama sekali oleh mahasiswa yang sibuk mengerjakan laporan/tugas praktikum ketimbang memperhatikan (saya juga pernah berbuat ini sih, haha…).

Tampaknya tiap dosen sudah memiliki suatu “karakteristik” khusus yang membuat mereka “dikenang” oleh mahasiswa… Misalkan, ada Dosen D yang konon menilai ujian berdasarkan panjang jawabannya, bukan bobotnya (sampai ada yang berkomentar bahwa ybs menilai dengan menggunakan penggaris, bukan dengan membaca hasil pekerjaan mahasiswa, haha). Ada juga Dosen E yang bahkan tidak mengecek pekerjaan mahasiswa, namun langsung memberikan nilai bagus entah via randomisasi atau via apa. Pada ujung spektrum satunya, jangan harap Dosen F akan cukup bermurah hati untuk memberikan nilai sebagai ongkos tulis… Salah tetap salah, walaupun hanya salah satu desimal atau salah di tengah jalan. Beliau tidak segan-segan memberikan nilai nol

(bahkan, ada salah satu teman saya, D, yang berkomentar kalau ybs “justru bangga kalau muridnya pada nggak bisa!”. Yaa, memang beberapa tindakannya menguatkan hipotesis ini, sih… )

Yaa, yang di atas tentang A, B, C, D, E, F hanyalah contoh kasus, namun saya rasa mahasiswa yang lain juga memiliki perasaan serupa tentang dosen-dosennya sendiri, mengkategorikan mereka ke dalam kotak-kotak karakteristik seperti ini… dan ini yang membuat saya berpikir…

Apakah mereka tidak tahu kalau mahasiswa mereka telah memadankan mereka dengan suatu karakteristik itu?

Saya rasa tidak mungkin Bu C tidak menyadari bahwa dirinya tidak diperhatikan… Saya mencoba untuk menyumbangkan pendapat tiap kali beliau meminta muridnya untuk berbuat demikian, namun saya rasa tidak mungkin beliau tidak melihat mahasiswa yang meremehkannya (saya sendiri sebenarnya tidak memiliki opini yang begitu tinggi akan ybs, ahah…) atau mata kuliahnya yang tergolong “nggak penting”, atau bisa dibilang tidak merespeknya dengan melakukan pekerjaan lain di kala mata kuliahnya (dan saya sendiri juga beberapa kali melakukan ini… agak merasa bersalah juga). Mungkin pengendalian dirinya cukup baik untuk tidak menunjukkan rasa kesalnya walau tidak diperhatikan.

Apakah Bu D yang dengan eksplisit memberitahukan muridnya bahwa ‘yang tulisannya terpanjang nilainya paling tinggi’ tahu kalau desas-desus “Sudahlah, yang penting tulis saja sampai berlembar-lembar, kamu tulis curhatan juga si Ibu nggak akan baca…” teredar di kalangan mahasiswa, dan pernah berpikir untuk merevisi caranya? Atau apakah beliau membiarkan imej itu melekat pada dirinya? Atau beliau benar-benar tidak tahu sama sekali?

Bagaimana dengan Pak E, yang (saya pribadi rasa) “kebaikan”-nya dalam hal absensi, nilai, dsb. dimanfaatkan oleh mahasiswanya? Apakah beliau tidak pernah merasa diremehkan ketimbang dihormati karena rasa belas kasihannya membuat dia tidak tega memberikan nilai jelek pada mahasiswa? Apakah beliau puas dicap sebagai dosen yang “pasti nilainya nggak akan di bawah blablaa…”?

Dalam pembicaraan saya dengan ybs, saya sedikit menyiratkan tentang sebagaimana “santai” beberapa teman saya menganggap ujiannya (dan kemudian terbukti dari nilai yang cukup memuaskan dari beliau untuk UTS lalu) via email, dan saya dibalas dengan, “I’m not so easy, am I? ”

Tidak yakin apakah beliau bercanda atau tidak, saya hanya membalas: “I’m not sure about you, but I know your questions aren’t…”

And I still wonder whether he was being serious or not…

A few days ago, my sister and I made a visit to a graphologist. You might ask, in a more polite or rude manner, “What the hell is a graphologist?” Well, more or less, a graphologist evaluates your handwriting to see the kind of person you are… out of curiosity, my sister and I decided to visit one! And the final verdict…

(we were going to consult this other graphologist, Mr. Nimpoeno, but apparently, he had passed away recently… rest in peace)

Well, I arrived later than my sister did and I was told to do the same thing; write on approximately three-quarters of A4 paper, before putting the date and my signature (plus full name) on the end, fill out some profile sheets, and all those procedures… Then we were told to come a few days later (when the analysis was ready) to get our consultation (and pay the fee, which was pretty expensive, haha).

Anyhow, today was my turn. I went face to face with the graphologist, who straightforwardly told me: “Ini mah bukan masalah penjurusan [kuliah], tetapi kepribadian…” (in English: “This isn’t really a matter of your choice of major [in college], rather, your personality…”).

Well, he first told me that there wasn’t any particular problem with my choice of major (Electrical Engineering). Even though it isn’t directly connected to what I wrote down as my hobbies except for a weak link to the last one (what I wrote: drawing, writing, reading, and internet-browsing), there can still be a collaboration between awzum electrical engineering skills and these side hobbies which I should still pursue.

He said that ability and intellectual-wise, I’m more than just fine. However, that personality problem: I am too unsure of making decisions, he said.

Why am I unsure of making decisions, he asked, and we both knew the answer, which I supplied:

Because I’m afraid of failing or making a mistake.

Why am I afraid of failing or making a mistake?

Because I don’t want people to be disappointed in me.

Apparently, the opinion of others seem to play too large of a role in my life, which (I know) really sucks. In the words of the wise old figure (I mean the graphologist): “Kamu seperti menganggap bahwa kamu harus menjadi tumpuan orang lain” (“It’s as if you think that you have to be others’ support/pedestal/of the sort”), “Kamu takut bahwa orang akan kecewa padamu dan memaki-maki kamu…” (“You’re afraid that others are going to be disappointed in you and then mock you…”)

Well, we had a discussion on my past experiences in order to (try to) figure out the source of the problem, but he believes that the problem has been developed over a long course of time, perhaps in the family environment I lived in. A bit of background on my family: we typically seem to be full of “overachievers” (my sister received a somewhat similar result, which elicited a comment from the graphologist on how the family seems to be smart as a whole, hoho). My sister’s analysis: she wanted to do so many things, and because she tends to succeed in all of them, she never really took time to evaluate what was truly her passion… For me, I guess this whole people-pleasing mechanism has never bothered me (except emotionally, psychologically, and–never mind) because I am of a similar type…

When I think about it, the same seems to apply to my little sisters too… And I’m beginning to understand why I seem to crave success and fear failure so much. I always think I don’t “shine” as much as the other overachieving members of my family… Well, the graphologist said (and I already knew) that I should try to get rid of this way of thinking because it won’t bring me any good, I shouldn’t rely on (what I think might be) the opinion of others in making decisions because life goes on and people who are disappointed aren’t gonna be disappointed forever anyway etc. etc… But as he acknowledged, it won’t be an easy process.

It definitely will take plenty of effort and time, and…

I really think I need brainwashing.

/endrant